sos

I recently received this email from a sister stepmom and new friend, who graciously allowed me to post her question here. 

I need advice.  What do you do when step-kids create separateness?  My husband does not include me in his kids’ lives.  When his daughter (17) comes to visit, they pretty much become the “couple” and spend the whole weekend together.  My stepdaughter is controlling and runs the show.  My husband lets her and hasn’t done much to make things feel normal or integrated.  I should say that we’ve been together for 9 years and married for 5.  My husband assures me that things just take time but after all these years, I don’t see much change.  My kids adore him and we include him in everything we do. 

However, it’s not reciprocated. 

I have to constantly ask my husband what’s going on in his kids’ lives.  If I don’t ask, I won’t get any information.   Just this weekend, my husband and his daughter are taking a three day trip to see his sister in NY.  They made their plans and I was not included.

I just found out before they left that they have plans to go to a dance club in NYC one night!  If I had planned this kind of trip with one of my kids, I’d at least fill my husband in on all the details.  His resistance to including me combined with his controlling kids is hurting our relationship. 

The other part of this is that my husband doesn’t encourage his daughter to think of me on my birthday or at Christmas.  I’ve never received a card or gift from her.  She also eavesdrops on our conversations but my husband doesn’t confront her on this. 

By the way, I didn’t mention his other controlling kid who is 32 and lives in Florida…another story. Ugh!

You would think that my husband is a monster from all I’ve written but he’s actually a very sweet and kind man—he just is wimpy and guilt ridden when it comes to his kids.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated!  Thank you!

 

advice1Advice From The Tool Box

I see this crop up in so many stepmom discussions in one way or another.  Even in my own stepmom life, this issue rears its ugly head, albeit to a lesser extent. 

At the heart of the matter is the feeling of being excluded.  Whether it’s an innocent conversation that starts off with “Remember when…” or when the step child “visits” for the weekend and dad drops everything to become one with the child at the exclusion and expense of YOU…his wife.

According to Wednesday Martin (Stepmonster, page 126) “the single greatest threat to a remarriage is the presence of children of any age from a prior union.”

What is key here is for your husband and you “to establish and maintain a close couple relationship despite the presence of kids” who would rather not acknowledge you.

Your husband’s actions, while he may believe he’s doing you a favor or making your life easier by not involving you, smacks of exclusion to the nth degree.  It’s not that he’s making plans with his daughter, it’s that he’s not telling you.  As a woman and a stepmom myself, that would drive me crazy. 

Hello?  Wife over here!  Thanks for including me Joe!

A quick course in how men and women’s brains are so drastically different is in order.  Men have what Mark Gungor calls “boxes.”  There’s a box for you, a box for the kids, a box for the dog, a box for work, a box for his ex (might be in the basement) and these boxes don’t touch…he’s even got a nothing box (and watch the video, because it’s SO true!)  Women on the other hand don’t have boxes…everything is connected to everything in our brains.  So…when your cheerful teenage stepdaughter arrives, your husband puts his wife box back and takes out his daughter box.  And the two never touch.

<sigh…MEN!>

All kidding aside, it is paramount that you invite your husband to a discussion regarding this exclusion.  Begin the discussion with two things that are great and wonderful, then gently drop in how awful you feel when your husband excludes you, and then finish with one more thing positive and a call to action. 

What do you want your husband to do?  What course of action can you suggest (not dictate) to him that will help you feel included?

As I state so often, the marriage must come first.  Even in the presence of his kids and your kids, there can be no mistake – your marriage and your relationship get top billing in your remarried dynamic.

Book Suggestions

Stepmonster: A New Look at Why Real Stepmothers Think, Feel, and Act the Way We Do by Wednesday Martin

Stepcoupling: Creating and Sustaining a Strong Marriage in Today’s Blended Family by Susan Wisdom

Anyone else?  What other advice can we give to our sister stepmom?

Advertisement