Part II – The Stepmom’s Self-Deception

Stuck in the Muck

Nearly a year ago, I realized that in my remarried equation and my life as a stepmom, I’m the only variable.  That’s the nice way of telling myself, “Peggy, you’re the problem.”  

Kristi, our Bonus Mom for June realized the same thing when she stated, “I am the creator of my own drama.”  

And a close sister stepmom friend has also came to the conclusion about how powerful her self-deception has been.

It’s so tough to come to grips that yes, you are the problem.  And because this is so hard to accept, we justify our thoughts, actions and behaviors, we get other people to buy into our story, and then we blame the other person for our problem.

…another spoonful of medicine…

As a sisterhood of stepmoms, we’re all in cahoots with each other!  If you don’t believe me, go back and read one of your posts in the forum you most frequent for stepmom support.  Go ahead…I’ll wait.

How many of you feel stuck or have felt stuck as a stepmom?

 

I think I just saw 13 million hands go up…me, too.  Even now, there are days I feel deeply stuck…like I’m up to my eyeballs in stepmom crap.

Ladies, gather round.  Depending on your time zone, pour yourself a cup of coffee or a martini and listen carefully.  I’m going to tell you a secret that the Arbinger Institute told me.  You are stuck in your remarried life and in your role as a stepmom because,

You have a problem that you don’t think you have.  A problem you can’t see.  You can see matters only from your own closed perspective and you are deeply resistant to ANY suggestion that the truth is otherwise.  So, you are [stuck in the muck]…cut off, closed up, and blind.”

Let me give you an example – a simple scenario that raises the hackles of nearly every stepmom I know, including myself:  

The Schedule 

Do any of these statements sound familiar?

“She never lets my husband see his kids.”

“She’s always late for drop-off”

“She’s never on time”

“She’s always changing the damn schedule.  I have a life, too”

“My husband never objects to last minute schedule changes.  He has no balls when it comes to his ex-wife and what she wants.”

“I never know when his kids are coming over.  I hate not having a reliable schedule.  I hate the constant intrusion.  I hate having to always be the flexible one.  I hate his ex-wife, I don’t like his kids,  and I’m beginning to resent the man I love.”

If you see yourself in one, two, or even all of these scenarios, let me ask you a few questions.

How do you see yourself in the scheduling drama?

Who do you blame?

–the kids?

–your husband?

–the dreaded ex-wife?

As the schedule drama plays out ad nauseum in your life, do you feel justified in how you feel about the other players in your scheduling sandbox?

Tomorrow I am going to share with you examples of self-betrayal and how self-betrayal plays into the self-deception that keeps us stuck in the muck.

If you haven’t checked out the Arbinger Institute, I encourage you to do so.  And if you don’t have a copy of Leadership and Self-Deception  I strongly encourage you to buy yourself a copy.  The success of your remarried life and your role as a stepmom depends on it.